100 things Star Wars characters are not allowed to do at the Mall
by TheAmazingAuthoress
Summary: Thanks to Joanfenny's magic, the characters of Star Wars have temporarily entered our world. What do they do? They go to the Mall, duh! But as old Ben says, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
1. Chapter 1

_**VADER, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING!**_

 **Authoress' note: My story** _ **A Writers Mind**_ **is gonna take a while, and I'm going on vacation soon, so in the meantime here's** _ **100 things Star Wars characters are not allowed to do at the Mall.**_

 **Kylo Ren: I'm going to steal all the candy. (Evil snicker)**

 **Rey: Like heck you are! (Starts chasing him around with a belt.)**

 **Joanfenny: Hey, Obi-wan, can you say the disclaimer?**

 **Obi-wan: Why can't you do it?**

 **Joanfenny: I'm about to take a driving lesson, so gotta run! (Joan runs out the door, hitting her shoulder on the doorframe on the way out and flies into the front yard.)**

 **Obi-wan: I'll be sure to stay off the sidewalks. Anyway, Joanfenny doesn't own Star Wars, a Mall, gumball machines, the Kitten Krew, but she does own Orio, and a car, believe it or not.**

 **Joanfenny, of in the distance: Dad, did you remember the barf bags?**

 _ **1)**_ _I will not allow Darth Vader to drive us to the mall._

All the boring people of Earth thought it was going to be a boring day. They all thought they were going to wake up and drive to wherever. But the people driving down Main Street were sorely mistaken, for there was a huge bus going 120 mph down the _wrong way!_

"Left, left, LEFT!" Obi-wan screamed to the driver, who happened to be Darth Vader. Apparently he was the only Star Wars character brave enough to drive an Earthling vehicle, but was doing a poo-doo job at it. Panicked drivers did sharp turns and full U-turns in order to avoid the psychotic Sith. The Passengers of the bus, Star Wars characters that ranged from Anakin Solo to Asajj Ventress to Ezra Bridger, were all screaming and gripping whatever they could.

Obi-wan's scolding was not helping the situation. "You forgot to turn on your turn signal! Blast it, Anakin, have I taught you—look out for that white one!"

Vader swerved the wheel, casing everyone in the left isle of the bus to fly out of their seats. The white car's driver screamed as she jerked her wheel right into Kroger's parking lot.

"You nearly ran her over!" Luke shouted.

"There was plenty of space, she just over reacted." Vader barked.

"TRAIN!" Everyone screamed.

Once they got to the mall, Everyone filed out of the car. Some with green faces, some with puke on their clothes, and some puked as soon as they got out.

"Anakin, that's the last time you're driving us anywhere on Earth." Padme hissed as she helped support her puking daughter.

"Everyone was going the wrong way." Vader retorted.

" _You_ were the one going the wrong way!" Obi-wan shouted.

"Everyone calm down," Luke shouted. "The important thing is that none of us died… Kylo, stop playing dead. We need to do into the mall, get what we need, and get out before Joanfenny discovers we're here."

Everyone (except Kylo, who was still playing dead) nodded. Why didn't they want Joan to know that they were there?

Well, let's just say someone stole her wand.

 _ **2)**_ _I will not try to squeeze Jabba the Hutt through the glass doors._

Luke watched as several of Jabba the Hutt's henchmen wheeled Jabba out of the back of the bus, since he couldn't fit down the narrow stairs. They had tried the stairs when they were first boarding the bus, but he got so stuck Vader had to rent another bus while Jabba was cut out of the first one.

Luke approached the group. "How are you going to get him inside the mall?"

All of the stupid henchmen scratched their heads in deep thought. A lightbulb magically appeared over one of their heads. It was one of those old bulbs, though. The kind that wasn't very bright and used too much energy.

The lightbulb henchman spoke huttesse to the others, and soon they were all wheeling the Hutt towards the glass doors at a rapid speed. Luke considered stopping them, but then remembered what Jabba had done to Leia, so he let the stupid henchman be stupid henchmen. Jabba screamed in protest, but it was too late and he was squished into the double doors, causing the other shoppers to scream in terror.

 _ **3)**_ _I will not break all the gumball machines._

Since Jabba was now stuck, the Star Wars characters entered through a different door, one that lead strait to the gumball machines. Several of the machines were stacked on top of each other, revealing every color of the rainbow.

"Ooooh! Gumballs!" Kylo Ren screamed as he ran up to the glass spheres of goodness. "Can I have one?"

"No." Leia and Han said simultaneously.

 _"Why?!"_

"Because those things may have been in there for over a year. Plus it's a total waste of money." Leia retorted, shaking her index finger.

At that moment Kylo whipped out his lightsaber and slashed at the gumball machines with everything he had. The gumballs piled out of the spheres and littered the ground until all you could see was little rainbow balls. All the other characters that were walking past slipped on the balls and skitted into various shops.

"I've got a bad feeling about this." Han noted as he watched his son stuff three gumballs in his mouth.

 **Luke: Joanfenny, you look ticked.**

 **Joanfenny: Some idiot driving a huge bus nearly ran me over! Oh… when I find him…**

 **Luke: Were you driving a white car?**

 **Joanfenny: Yeah… why?**

 **Luke: Um… lucky guess.**

 **Joanfenny: Alright… Anyway, I got a challenge for all the readers! Which villain do you want tortured in the next chapter?**

 **PALPATINE**

 **KYLO REN**

 **GRAND MOFF TARKIN**

 **COUNT DOOKU**

 **Type you answer in the reviews, and if I more than 10 reviews by the time I get back from vacation, I might humiliate all of them. MWAHAHAHAHA!**

 **Darth Vader: Someone needs a permanent chill pill.**

 **Joanfenny: Shouldn't you be fighting Luke or something?**

 **Darth Vader. Oh, right.** _ **To Infinity and Beyond!**_

 **Orio: Did he just… did Vader just…?**


	2. DO NOT MESS WITH THE CAPED AVENGER!

**Chapter 2-** _ **DO NOT MESS WITH THE CAPED AVENGER!**_

 **Joanfenny, wearing a bonnet: I'm back…**

 **Luke Skywalker: She's back…**

 **Orio: She's BACK…!**

 **Sabine Wren: What are you all doing?**

 **Orio: We're being weird, duh!**

 **Joanfenny: Anyway, I'm back from vacation! I went to several different beaches, got sunburn, bought a Star Wars name tag, and had dreams about dinosaurs! No lie!**

 **Orio: Well,** _ **I**_ **defeated an alligator! It was nothing but an airhead.**

 **Joanfenny: Yeah, that's because it was someone's pool floaty.**

 **Anyway, thanks goes to DawnDayrider, spacecadet777, Reality Rejection Service, sanbi221, and Guest for reviewing! Thanks also goes to spacecadet777, Imperial Commander 5, and DawnDayrider for following!**

 **And thanks for voting on the villains.**

 **Palpatine: I won, didn't I?**

 **Joanfenny: Actually, no.**

 **Darth Vader: Then who did?**

 **Joanfenny: You'll see… (evil snicker)**

 **Luke: Anyway… Joanfenny Kenobi does own Star Wars, a mall, Sparta, a store welcomer, or anything else mentioned in this story except Orio.**

 **Joanfenny: Wish I could stay and chat, but my dad and I have to pick up my car from the shop, then I'm gonna hunt down the jerk that nearly ran me over.**

 **Darth Vader: …**

 _ **1)**_ _I will not whack the store welcomer with my helmet._

Sabine Wren was in need of some birdfeed for her pet Jabberjay, so with her helmet tucked under her arm she ventured into the shop. It was a big store with rows of different pet supplies, from food to litterboxes to cages. The only weird thing in the store was that a bunch of superhero-dressed kittens were patrolling the isles.

"High, welcome to pet smart." A young lady wearing a red shirt said as Sabine stepped inside. Approaching the employee, the Mandalorian was about to politely ask where the birdfeed was, when Tarkin suddenly came out of nowhere and whacked the clerk with his helmet.

"Dude, what the heck?" Sabine snapped.

"Citizens are not allowed to deal with rebels." Tarkin hissed.

"Oh, yeah, well deal with this!" Sabine whipped out her paint gun and sprayed right into his eyes. She quickly fled the scene when Tarkin started screaming like a baby. Looks like she'll have to find the birdfeed on her own.

 _ **2)**_ _I will not attack people at Dairy Queen._

"Hello, welcome to Dairy Queen, may I take you order?" Said the bored cashier, not paying any attention to his customer's Jedi outfit. I guess the employee's not a geek. How sad.

Obi-wan Kenobi eyed the menu. "Well, I'll have you strawberry shortcake and a blizzard—"

"KENOBI!" a raspy voice screamed. Spinning around, the Jedi Master's eyes widened as Darth Maul charged him like an angry bull. The Siths Yellow eyes were locked on the general. His twin sabers were ignited and destroying anything that got in his way. Wow, when Mauls angry, he's angry.

"Run, it's the devil!" Some lady shouted. All the customers screamed and scattered in every direction like roaches flee from light. Obi-wan ignited his blue saber just in time to block Maul's attack. The Jedi and sith jumped over counters and smoothie machines, trying to gain the upper hand. it was a dramatic duel, and as this was happening the "Duel of Fates" soundtrack started playing through the mall's speakers. Finally Maul managed to twist Obi-wan's lightsaber from his grasp and then kicked him in the stomach.

The Sith sneered, showing his ugly teeth. "You will pay for what you did—ow!" Maul rubbed his horned head. "What the—"

Looking over Maul's shoulder, Obi-wan eyed a short nun holding her purse like a whip. "Be gone, Satan!" She screamed, whacking the Sith again.

"What? I'm not—ow! Cut it out—hey-OW!"

Obi-wan could only gape as the venerable-looking nun overpowered the powerful force-wielder. He considered telling the Sister that Maul wasn't the devil, but then decided not to interfere. Instead he pulled out his smart phone and started recording the scene.

"This is going to break the internet." He snickered.

 _ **3)**_ _I will not steal pennies from the fountains._

Rey wasn't much of a mall person, after all she was raised on a desert planet, but there was a Swiss Army knife on sale. Being the scavenger she was, she decided to find some loose change she could use.

Girl, the only thing in America you can buy with loose change is a pack of gum.

Of course Rey didn't know this, so she grabbed her trusty staff and ventured into the unknown. Pretty soon she came across a large fountain with a low marble bridge in its center. Looking over the edge, Rey noticed hundreds to pennies glittering at the bottom of the pool.

"Jackpot! " Rey shouted happily as she dived in. Water splashed out of the fountain and onto the floor, causing shoppers to slip. Rey scooped up fistfuls of coins and dumped them into her satchel. Daydreaming on how many Swiss Army knives she could buy with the cash, Rey didn't notice her sworn enemy approach her.

"You do realize your stealing from the mall." A deep voice hissed. Looking up from her work, the scavenger saw the great and powerful Kylo Ren… with chewed-up gum in his hair. Sheesh, now he _really_ needed a haircut.

Rey fought back a snort. "Says the guy who broke all the gumball machines."

Kylo was about to give a retort, when some shouted: "Hey, what do you two think you're doing?"

"A security officer, run!" Rey shouted as she scrambled out of the pool. Not knowing what else to do, Kylo ran after her.

"Stop following me." Rey hissed to Ren as they escaped into a department store. Trying to act casual, the two of them slipped into a hat section. The other shoppers gave them odd looks, which is understandable; they were a gummed-haired darksider and a wet scavenger.

"What were you going to do with that cash anyway?" Ren queried.

"I was going to buy a knife to shave your head." Rey snapped as she wringed out her hair.

"No, not my precious hair!" Kylo whined, covering his head with his arms.

Just then an army of kittens, all dressed as superheroes, scurried past their feet. "FOR TUNA!" One black-and-white kitten screamed.

"Orio?" Rey questioned. "What are you doing?"

"Shh! You're giving away my secret identity." Orio hissed.

"An evildoer. Everyone attack!" One kitten screamed. In just 5 seconds, Ren was overpowered by fur-ball felines.

 **Rey: Well, that was** **interesting.**

 **Tarkin: I GOT PAINT IN MY EYES!**

 **Joanfenny: Guess who won in the polls?!**

 **Luke: Who would have thought it would be Tarkin?**

 **Leia: I know right! I thought it was going to be Palpatine!**

 **Han: Hey, people, I got a poll of my own! Who should gurgle Gershwin with Luke? It can be a Star Wars character, but I recommend a character from another fandom.**

 **Luke: What?**

 **Han: Remember our bet, Luke?**

 **Luke: …Sometimes I wish you were still in the carbonite.**

 **Joanfenny: Hey, has anyone seen Orio?**

 **Orio: You mean, the** _ **Caped Avenger?!**_

 **Kylo: AAAAHHH!**

 **Joanfenny: What's up with him?**

 **Rey (smiling): I have no idea.**

 **Darth Vader: Review, or else Joanfenny will put Jar Jar Binks in the next chapter!**

 **Everyone else: NOOO!**

 **Jar Jar: How rude.**


	3. EXPLOSIONS!

_**EXPLOSIONS!**_

 **Han: No one responded with my poll.**

 **Luke(sarcastically): Tis a shame.**

 **Han: I guess I'll have to pick the person. Hey Jar Jaaaaar!**

 **Luke: NO! (Runs away.)**

 **Joanfenny: This outa be fun! Anywho, thanks goes to Flying Dragoon for reviewing, and thanks goes to person3000 and Flying Dragoon for following.**

 **Orio: Virtual mice all around!**

 **Everyone else: Ew…**

 **Jar Jar: Joanfennee nosa own Star Wars, a mall, or anythwing else in this story excepta Orio.**

 **Joanfenny: Hey! Who gave you the right to say the disclaimer! (Starts chasing him around with her Candy-rock spear.) Wait, where's my wand?**

 **Darth Vader: I haven't the slightest idea.**

 **Joanfenny eyes him suspiciously.**

 _ **7) I will not Gurgle Gershwin in public.**_

Everyone in the mall payed little attention to the blond-haired Jedi that stood on top the ATM machine in the middle of the building. All the shoppers were too busy with their normal lives.

It wasn't until Luke started _singing_ when things got interesting.

As soon as Luke opened his mouth, a loud, gurgling tune came forth. The young man started doing a dance that reminds me of a chicken trying to poop out an egg. His brother-in-law, Han, watched from a distance, and he was laughing too.

A soaked Rey and a Gum-haired Kylo approached the smuggler. "What happened?" Rey asked.

"Luke lost a bet." Han snickered. People in the crowd were pointing and laughing at the young Jedi, especially the teenage chicks.

Observing Luke, he said, "And here comes the grand finale."

At that moment Jar Jar stumbled right up to the ATM and started impersonating Luke. Well, at least he was trying to. To me, he looked like a chicken laying the egg, and the egg had caught on fire.

Luke face flushed from embassasment and anger as he sang. People were beginning to film Luke with their phones. Palpatine and Vader gaped as they watched the seen. Of course, you wouldn't tell that Vader was gaping.

"Your son has no dignity." The emperor stated.

 _Neither do you._ "He was raised by farmers."

 _ **8)**_ _**I will not detonate ATMs.**_

Wedge, Lando, Hobbie, and Biggs were rebellious men. And what do rebellious men do? They make _explosions._

They had already exploded Forever 21 and Target, and were running out of grenades.

As they sat at the Mall's Chili's, the group went over where their next target was.

"Wedge, you put one in that ATM, right?" Lando asked.

"Yup, it's due to go off any second now."

 _Meanwhile…_

Rey felt a disturbance in the force, and no, it wasn't Luke singing or the crazy Knight of Ren right next to her, it was…

Instantaneously the ATM exploded, sending the Jedi sky-high in the air. Jar Jar, on the other hand, blasted into a million pieces. Luke landed in a giant bowl of Swedish Fish. Don't ask where it came from. Everyone applauded as Luke stumbled out of the bowl of Swedish goodness.

 _Meanwhile, across town._

The young Authoress, Joanfenny Kenobi, waited as her dad finished with some last minute paperwork. _Car Garages are so boring._ She thought, _if I could summon my flying pineapple army, then things could get more interesting._

Normally, when Joan's in boring places, she'd go and make as much noise as godly possible, but she'd get in huge trouble with her dad. He said that Joan needs to "mature," whatever that means.

Since she couldn't be a crazy Authoress, she decided to entertain herself the old-fashion way.

YouTube.

As she scrolled through the video options, she noticed one video titled "Nun vs Satan." Posted by Holy Juan Baloney. The girl's eyes widened as she watched the laugh-so-hard-you-could-pee-yourself video of a nun beating the devil with a purse.

 _I should use that in my "Prisoners" story coming up._ Joan brainstormed. Watching the video again, she noticed that something was very off about it.

 _That guy in the background should NOT be holding that rabid chicken._

Then she noticed another thing, _Wait, that's not the devil… that's…_

Just then Joan whipped out her banana phone.

 _ **9) I will not unleash all the animals in the pet shop.**_

"Go! Go! Your free!" Sabine yelled as she opened the animal cages. Pets that ranged from Cats to Iguanas to Parrots mobbed the store.

"Lady, what do you think you're doing?!" The store manager yelled.

"Get him, Quill!" The teenage Mandalorian shouted. Suddenly a Jabberjay flew from behind one of the isles and started pecking the old geezer.

"Get off of me, you woodpecker."

"Get off of me, you woodpecker."

"Stop it!"

"Stop it!"

Sabine then decided to go find Kanan and Ezra, because nothing's more annoying than a Jabberjay at work.

 **Luke: The Swedish Fish were pretty good.**

 **Leia: When did Sabine get a Jabberjay?**

 **Joanfenny: In my upcoming story** _ **A Writers Mind.**_ **Which by the way, no one's reviewing it!**

 **Obi-wan: It's only the first Chapter, and it's only been up for a day or so.**

 **Joanfenny: Still!**

 **Orio, the Caped Avenger: Speaking of reviews… hey! All you readers! Make sure you review, favorite, and follow this story! If you do, you might get to see more adventures of** _ **The Caped Avenger!**_

 **Joanfenny: And read** _ **A Writers Mind!**_

 **Luke: And thank you** _ **Flying Dragoon**_ **for suggesting that we blow Jar Jar up. Sadly, we couldn't use a nuclear power plant—**

 **Leia: So you used an ATM machine?**

 **Wedge: That was my idea.**

 **Tarkin: Do you rebels ever do anything else besides detonating things?**

 **Hobbie: We also do Karaoke.**

 **Tarkin: (face palms)**


	4. Vader Hates Macy's

_**Vader Hates Macy's**_

 **Authoress' note: School's coming up, and my computer keeps dying every five minutes (I'm not kidding, it died twice while I was trying to bring up this page on Word) so production will be a bit slower. But don't you worry, fellow Fanfiction lovers, because this story's going to the end!**

 **Thanks goes to spacecadet777, Flying Dragoon, DatPerson, Tis a secret, and especially Reality Rejection Service for reviewing.**

 **Thanks also goes to Proud Sith Nerd and Silver Sunshine the Hedgehog for following, and Proud Sith Nerd and Silver Sunshine the Hedgehog for favoriting.**

 **Tis a secret: I know what it's like to have writers block. It's not fun and can slowly drive one mad. My dad always tells me to kill a character (which sometimes works) but I recommend putting yourself in your characters situation and think "What would I do?" Either that or have some crazy event happen that changes the story.**

 **Reality Rejection Service: Thanks for the suggestion that Padme goes to Macys. That gave me an idea…**

 **Flying Dragoon: Hate to break it to ya, but guess where the rebels are going next…**

 **spacecadet777: I agree. Takin** _ **must die!**_

 **DatPerson: Glad you liked the Swedish Fish part. It's my favorite candy.**

 **Anyway, on with the story!**

 **Orio: Joan doesn't own anything except a car and me…** _ **The Caped Avenger!**_

 _ **10)**_ _ **I will not allow Padme to know about Macy's.**_

"Ohhh! Ani, these shoes are on sale!" Cried Padme as she picked up some cute-looking sandals. "I'll need to buy a dress to match these."

Vader inwardly groaned. After the whole Gurgle Gershwin incident, Padme ran right up to her husband telling him that she found this awesome store called Macy's. Next thing he knew he was standing outside the dressing room watching his wife and her handmaids drool over Earth fashion. At least he wasn't alone; Luke and Han also had become victims to their wives shopping. Mara Jade was currently arguing with a clerk while Leia was checking out the jewelry.

Luke checked his watch for the 100th time. "We've been here for the past hour."

Han grumbled, "At this rate we'll never get to that sports store."

Just then Obi-wan and Qui-gon approached the trio. "Since when did you three like Macy's?" Obi-wan snickered.

"It's not us," Luke defended, "It's our wives."

"This is why Jedi stay single." Qui-gon stated.

Vader rolled his eyes. Of course, I am the only one who knows this because I'm the narrator.

Just then Padme strutted out of the dressing rooms. She was wearing a short black dress. "How do I look?"

"Like you're going to a funeral." Han spat.

Padme huffed. "It's gonna be your funeral if you don't shut up."

Luke sighed. Personally, he hated Earth fashion. It was too tight, too flashy, too plain, or showed too much. Everywhere Luke had looked he had seen these huge posters of girls in bikinis or something.

I hear you Luke, Joanfenny hates that stuff too. Have you no shame Clothes Designers?!

But anyway, Mara decided to break the moment by marching up to Luke. Her face was as red as her hair and she was dragging a squirming clerk behind her. "Luke!" She screamed, "Tell this con-man clerk that those pink shirts are on clearance!"

"That's a woman you're dragging." Luke stated the obvious. "And I don't know what pink shirts your talking about."

Suddenly a stampede of animals that ranged from Guinee pigs to dogs to snakes raced past the store's entryway, with a teenage girl screaming, "You're free! You're free!"

"I gotta see this." Han said as he raced outside. Clothes and clerks forgotten, all the Star Wars characters followed the smuggler. It's a good thing they left the store, because Lando had put a couple grenades in there, so as soon as they left the whole place exploded. Now, I'm thinking _Yayyy! The Bikini pictures are gone!_ But Padme's thinking _No!My PURSE!_

So Vader had to spend the next two hours helping his wife pick out a new purse.

Sucks to be you, Vader.

 _ **11)**_ _**I will not go to the wardrobe department and ask where Narnia is.**_

 _My brothers are crazy._ Jaina Solo thought. Her twin brother was a Sith, her other-dimension brother (that's Kylo) was flirting (and failing) with some scavenger, and her youngest brother had just dared her to say the weirdest thing to a customer service person.

But she was a Jedi, Jedi show no fear. So Jaina bravely walked into Home Depot and approached the first employee she saw.

"Could you take me to the wardrobe section?" Jaina asked. Ok, that wasn't the weird question.

As a matter of fact, the place did have a wardrobe section. All along the ginormous shelves were different wardrobes of different sizes and colors. There was even a sparkly pink one.

"What are you interested in?" The salesclerk asked, waving his hand at the various wardrobes.

Jaina took a deep breath. "Which one leads to Narnia?"

The clerk frowned. "What?" Dude?! You've never heard of Narnia?

"Narnia, the place with the talking trees?"

Around a corner a young voice snickered. "Anakin!" Jaina yelled. 'I'm gonna kill you!"

"No! No! Jacen's the brother your supposed to kill, not me, helllllp!" But his attempts of escape was in vain, for soon Anakin found himself tied to a grill with a plank of wood in his mouth.

"Itw was wowth it." Anakin said to himself.

 _ **12) I will not bang pots and pan in the cooking store.**_

Duchess Satine was always a woman of peace, but peace never exists at the mall, especially on Black Fridays. Several stores had already detonated, the pets are loose, and she saw a teenage boy tied to a grill at Home Depot, so she decided to go to the cooking store, hoping to get some Earth cook books.

The peace was soon disrupted though, when a loud banging sound came from isle 66. If you've seen The Clone Wars, then you know that Satine had a detective bone in her body. when she arrived to the isle, her eyes widened to the sight if Pre Viszla… banging pots and pans.

"What are you doing?" Satine shouted over the noise.

"You always talk of peace, but Mandalorians are warriors!" Viszla yelled.

"But we aren't _on_ Mandalore, we're on Earth!"

"Still, we are not a peaceful race!"

"And you're proving this by banging pots and pans?"

"Maul stole my Darksaber."

Satine threw her hands up and huffed. "This isn't my problem." And with that she trekked off to find Obi-wan.

 **Orio: Next up… the Caped Avenger!**

 **Joanfenny: We'll see. Alright people, remember to review, favorite, follow, and sub—oh, wait that's YouTube.**

 **Luke: Why did Sabine release all the pets?**

 **Orio: I donno, but one of the cat's is my cousin, so I'm just glad she did.**

 **Luke: By the way, has anyone seen my nephew Anakin?**

 **Satine: I last saw him in Home Depot.**

 **Luke: Oh. I didn't know he likes house designing.**

 **Satine. Not exactly…**

 **Authoress note: For those of you who read the story and then saw this chapter deleted for a quick moment, that's because I forgot to space the chapters. It's all fixed now, you're welcome.**


	5. PRANKING PIANISTS

_**PRANKING PIANISTS**_

 **Thank you Reality Rejection Service and Jeffry the storm for reviewing. Wow, you certainly had a lot to say, Jeff. Thanks for the suggestions with the Stormtroopers, Ewoks and Droids. Believe me, I appreciate the suggestions and I'm glad you love this. Hmm… an ATAT outside the mall?**

 **Rey: Oh…! Maybe Finn and I can steal one!**

 **Joanfenny: Really, they're just humped camels.**

 **Darth Vader: That's offensive.**

 **Joanfenny: Whatever. Anyway, I own nothing but Orio and a car. I also own a copy of Screaming Citadel.**

 **Dr. Aphra: You mean with the crazy queen?**

 **Joanfenny: Yeah, she reminds me of Harley Quinn.**

 **Luke: She's Cray-Cray.**

 **Dr. Aphra: So are you, Mr. Gurgle Gershwin.**

 **Luke: How'd you…?**

 **Dr. Aphra: It's on YouTube.**

 **Luke HAN!**

 _ **13) I will not steal the cars on display.**_

It was lunchtime, so the TFA crew were at the Mall's mess hall (or whatever you call it) eating Lunch. Rey had gotten Tacos, Finn was eating a Big Mac, Poe was dining on Japanese food, Phasma had sushi, Hux feasted on Chicken (a whole one), and Kylo had ordered 27 slices of pizza. Unfortunately his slices were still cooking, so he kept on trying to steal the other's food while he waited.

Poe presented a list on the table. "Okay, Finn says that Rey's a Kenobi, I say Skywalker, Phasma and Hux says that she's reincarnate of Anakin, and Kylo says that Reylo's gonna be a thing."

"Eww!" Rey and Finn said in union.

"What, do you know how much Reylo art is out there?" Kylo objected.

"Yeah, I've seen it. Some of those artists have no shame."

"Hey," Poe said, "Joan's an artist."

"Yeah, but the only Reylo art she's ever done is me whacking hair-cut here with a skillet."

Suddenly Hux broke out his air-guitar "You make me _feel incincible_! Earthquake _powerful…_!"

"Uh, dude?" Finn said.

Hux looked at the other characters, "What? They just came out with a new album last fall."

Rey cleared her throat. "I don't see the point in this. It's too predictable if I'm a Skywalker, too weird if I'm a Kenobi, too creepy if I'm a Palpatine—"

Just then a loud _screech_ came from somewhere in the mall, followed by a lot of panicked screams. Soon a shiny new Honda zoomed around the corner at top speed. Hanging out of Shot-guns window was Palpatine, sticking his tongue out like a dog. From the inside of the car came several drunken voices. Then the car crashed though one of the glass double-doors and out into the parking lot.

The TFA crew sat in silence, looking at Palpatine's grand exit, then Rey continued as if nothing happened. "And being a reincarnate of Anakin? That's nuts! Who'd ever heard of _that_ in the Star Wars universe? Sound's too much like _The Last Airbender_ to me."

"Yeah, and if that's the case, then Reylo's gonna be really weird, cause Kylo would be making out with his grandfather." Poe added.

Rey and Kylo both gagged at that comment.

 _ **14) I will not attack the pianist at Von Guan.**_

Did you know that almost every Von Guam has a pianist? Yeah, the place where you can buy sandals for 200 dollars has a pianist instead of crappy songs though the speakers.

But not everybody likes pianists.

"Ready?" Jaina Solo asked her twin brother. Darth Caedus/ Jacen Solo nodded. The Jedi and Sith siblings were hiding behind a clothes rack, paint guns ready. The pianist playing was, in fact, their brother Anakin. The original guy had a sudden urge to become a lawyer and left for law school halfway through his shift. The store needed a replacement, and Anakin quickly volunteered.

 _This is what you get for the whole Narnia prank._ Jiana mentally hissed.

Jacen apparently picked up that thought. "Is that vengeance I'm hearing, sis? Good… you are beginning on the path to the Dark Si-"

"Want to have a plank of wood stuffed in your mouth?" Jaina snapped.

Jacen shutted up.

Jaina sighed. "Ok, on the count of three. One… two…"

"Get the Jedi!" Someone shouted. Suddenly a large squad of Clone troopers raced right up to Anakin, shooting lasers. I guess their Order 66 chips were activated or something. Anakin screeched and ran for the nearest exit. The troopers raced after him (although some of them stopped to shoot the piano). Without the piano music, the store was strangely quiet.

For a while neither sibling spoke. Finally, Jaina said. "Dang it."

 _Meanwhile, At Joanfenny's house…_

The young Authoress sat on her bed talking into her Banana phone. "Yeah, it's me. Listen, I just saw a video of Darth Maul being beaten up by a nun… yes, I know it has two million views. You wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you? Well, I would have called you earlier, but my Banana phone was dead… it's solar powered. Yeah, you didn't know that? I know Maul's Obi-wan's villain, I just… wait, don't hang up—Ahsoka!" Joan heard a click on her end. She was about to throw the phone at the wall when it started ringing.

"Hello?" Joan asked.

"Dude… I see colors…" a drugged voice slurred.

Joan hung up.

"Something's not right." Joan muttered. "I must save the world with pineapples!"

Then she remembered that she didn't have her wand.

 _ **15) I will not ride Chopper down the mall.**_

The wind whipped Orio's—oops, I mean the Caped Avenger's fur as he raced down the mall. His little red cape (which was really a cloth napkin) flapped behind him. Even though he had a determined expression, everyone thought he was just a cute cat in costume.

A lot of strange things had been occurring today. First, he defeated the Evil Kylo Ren. Now, he was patrolling the halls, looking for evil to fight.

He stopped to eye Ahsoka Tano, who was currently talking into a banana. Orio managed to hear someone scream "Ahsoka!" before the Togruta hung up.

 _That sounds like a damsel in distress._ Orio thought. "Halt!" He shouted, blocking Ahsoka's path. "Who were you talking to in that Banana?"

"Uh… no one." The Rebel/ formal Jedi said.

"You lie. You are holding a girl hostage in that Banana."

Ahsoka scrunched her face in annoyance. "No, it was just Joan."

Orio gasped. "NO! My owner's trapped in the Banana!' immediately Orio jumped up and grabbed the fruit with his teeth, then he ran off yelling "Iw'll sawve you Joanwenny!"

Ahsoka sighed and shook her head. For a superhero , he wasn't that bright.

Just then Evil did scream across the hall, in the form of a grumpy droid being beaten by a Jedi Padawan with a wrench.

"Hera can't save you now, Chopper!" Ezra cried.

 **Joanfenny: Hey, whoever finds my wand gets five dollars and a stick.**

 **Luke: A stick?**

 **Joanfenny: Yes.**

 **Dr. Aphra: Well, I'm in need of a stick, so…**

 **Vader glares at Aphra.**

 **Dr. Aphra: …I'll, uh… I'll keep my eyes out for it.**

 **Darth Vader: We have absolute no idea where your wand is, Authoress.**

 **Luke: Yup.**

 **Leia: That's right.**

 **Ahsoka: Vader** _ **defiantly**_ **did not steal it.**

 **Vader glares at Ahsoka.**

 **Joanfenny: Okay…**

 **Luke (nervously): Yeah, uh… remember to review!**

 **Joanfenny: And five points go to whoever knows the song Hux was singing.**


	6. DRUNK ON CHOCOLATE

_**DRUNK ON CHOCOLATE**_

 **Katniss Everdeen: Thank you spacecadet777, YouMissedMeRight, and Reality Rejection Service for reviewing. Thank you TegamiBachi25 and YouMissedMeRight for favoriting. Thank you Imperial Commander 5 and TegamiBachi25 for following.**

 **Joanfenny: Wow, that's the last time I'm letting you thank the readers.**

 **Katniss: I'd like to see you do better.**

 **Joanfenny: YO, EVERYBOBY! THANKS FOR FOLLOWING, FAVORITING, REVIWING AND READING THIS STORY IN GENERAL! YOU ALL DESERVE A TRIP TO THE MATRIX FOR SOME VIRTUAL ROOT BEER!**

 **Orio: Why not real Root Beer?**

 **Joanfenny: Real Root Beer can't be shared on the internet. Plus it rots your teeth.**

 **spacecadet777: Congratulations for guessing the song correctly. You get five points! (Go buy yourself an ice cream) Thanks for telling me about Vader and Tarkin. I'll be sure to keep an eye on them.**

 **YouMissedMeRight: I'm glad you love my style, and I can't but Chewie in this chapter, but I'll put him in the next one.**

 **Reality Rejection Service: Well, Target, Forever 21, and Macy's are already gone, and it's barely lunch time.**

 _ **16) I will not break out into song in public.**_

A bored Darksider is never a good thing. They are bound to do something, dangerous, devastating, or delusional.

Even though Ventress was a chick (by society's standards, not mine) she hated going to the mall. They were filled with idiotic people who believe that material things make them happy.

What makes Ventress happy is joining crazy witch cults, which I think is both creepy and should be non-canon.

Anyway, the Sith/Witch/Bounty Hunter was patrolling the mall when she noticed Boba Fett carrying a CD player. In his other hand was a microphone.

"What, are you a street singer now?" Ventress teased.

Boba snapped his head in her direction. A moment of awkward silence passed before he broke out into a very old opera song. It was so loud that some of the windows in the shops shattered. Shoppers covered their ears and cried out in pain. One shopper dropped her bananas, which an army of monkeys (which randomly appeared) stole.

Ventress decided her best move was to walk away pretending that she didn't know him.

Once she was gone, Boba turned off the MP3 player in his helmet.

"Bounty Hunters don't sing." He hissed to no one in particular.

 _ **17) I will not eat all the chocolate in the candy store.**_

Kana Jarrus and the Seventh Sister had been duking it out for a while when lunch rolled around, so the Inquisitor and Jedi decided to call a lunch truce. Fun fact, the Seventh Sister is a _very_ picky eater. After denying every restaurant the mall had to offer, she decided her best option was to raid a candy store.

Kanan, having nothing else to do, assisted her in scaring away the costumers and knocking out the employees. Now, the two of them were lying on the floor with chocolate all over their faces.

"You know, this might be the chocolate talking, but you're ok." Kanan mumbled.

The Seventh Sister glanced at the Jedi. "It's defiantly the chocolate." She said.

Suddenly a Honda zoomed by the entrance with a drunk Palpatine hanging out the window.

"Was that you're boss?" Kanan asked.

 _ **18) I will not attack the driver of the mini-train.**_

Normally, the mini-train's driver was bored out of his mind. Not today, today he was terrified.

"I'm being attacked by corrupted volleyballs!" He yelled as buzz droids climbed all over his train. The passengers screamed in terror and ran out of the train cars.

Just then General Grievous showed up. In three of his four hands were ice cream cones. The cyborg stared at the situation for several long minutes, before dumping his ice cream cones on the driver.

 _Meanwhile, across town…_

Joanfenny Kenobi was in the middle of reading _Dante's Inferno_ when the _Princess Sofia_ theme song started playing in the air. Then it was suddenly turned off, and replaced by the _Avengers_ theme song. Just then the door barged open, reveal…

"Don'ft worry, Goanfenny, thwe Cabped Afenger will savfe you!" orio yelled as he raced into the room. Hopping on Joanfenny's desk, he released the banana he had in his mouth and began to exam it. "Authoress, are you ok?"

Joan fought back a grin. Careful not to make any noise, she grabbed her blow horn from under her bed.

"Joan, it's Orio, I'm gonna rescue you from the banana!

 _BAAAAARRRRRPPP!_

Orio's tail became as fat as him as he jumped two feet in the air. His screech was like nails on a chalkboard. Spinning around, he spotted the authoress with her blow horn.

"Yes, I've done it!" He cried, "I have freed you from the banana prison!"

 **Authoress' note: I understand that this was a little short today, and that's because I'm running out of ideas. So suggestions in the reviews are most appreciated.**

 **Orio: What was it like being trapped in the banana?**

 **Joanfenny: …Do I want to know why you think that?**

 **Ahsoka: No, no you don't.**

 **Joanfenny: Okay… anyway, remember to review, favorite, and follow. And keep an eye out for my wand.**

 **Darth Vader: Haven't seen it.**

 **Wedge: Hey, next chapter, Karaoke party!**

 **Tarkin: Face palms**


	7. WOOKIE KARAOKE

_**WOOKIE KAREOKE**_

 **Authoress' note: Thanks goes to Reality Rejection Service, Guest, Same guest from chapter 1, and Datperson for reviewing. Virtual Root Beer all around.**

 **Orio, Luke, and Leia: Yay!**

 **Authoress: Sadly, school is sneaking up behind me like a panther, so I won't be able to write as often (if at all). So here's one last hurrah before the school year begins!**

 **Orio: I'm lucky, I don't have to go to school.**

 **Authoress: (glares) Anywho, my price for finding my wand has gone up. Anyone who finds my wand gets 10 bucks, a pair of reading glasses, and a sock.**

 **Vader: A sock?**

 **Authoress: A sock.**

 **Orio: Joanfenny Kenobi owns nothing but me, a car, a comic book, a sock, a pair of reading glasses, and 10 bucks.**

 **Authoress: Actually, the reading glasses belong to my mom.**

 **Luke: Okay…**

 _ **19) I will not let droids go to a beauty parlor.**_

Ezra Bridger approached Hera Syndulla, who was currently admiring a set of gardening gloves. "Hey Hera, where's Chopper?"

"Hiding from you, most likely." Hera responded. "He told me about what you did earlier."

Ezra shrugged. "He stole my credit card."

Suddenly Chopper, as well as R2-D2, C-3PO, and BB8 came strutting (or rolling) down the aisle. They were all covered in trashy make-up. Chopper even had fake eyelashes glued to his camera-eye.

While Ezra laughed his head off, Hera scolded. "Chopper, what happened to you?"

"We found a beauty parlor that gave free makeovers for droids." C-3PO piped up. "Don't we look fabulous?"

As soon as Goldie said "fabulous" Ezra laughed so hard he collapsed. Hera, on the other hand, was not amused. "You guys can't be in the rebellion looking like that! Chopper, wash that stuff off."

Suddenly Ezra gave a manly yelp and fled out of the store, turning around, she spotted a baffled Darth Maul. "Here to stalk Ezra?" She asked.

"Um… actually I'm here because garden gloves are on sale."

Then Maul saw the droids and he too bursted out into mirthful laughter.

 _ **20) I will not let Wookies sing Karaoke.**_

There were no Imperials at McAllister's.

Do you know why?

The Rebels are finally having their Karaoke party!

Rebels that ranged from Rey to Cassian to Leia were all partying up a storm. Luke was floating above the crowd, a Root Beer in his hands. About half of the Rebels were drunk, and the other half had just gone nuts.

When Wedge and Dash had finished their duet, Chewbacca climbed onto the stage, snatching the mike from a drunk Wedge. Then he pushed the two rebels into the crowd, where they began floating above it with Luke. Soon the song "Shake it off" started playing, and Chewie began roaring his heart out. Unfortunately, most of the Rebels had no idea what he was saying. To make it even worse, he also started dancing.

Two minutes later the restaurant's manager run onto the stage and started beating the Wookie with a broom (strange choice of weaponry). "Get this Big Foot out of my restaurant!"

I won't tell you what happened to the poor guy, but let's just say that his head got stuck in a toilet.

That's what you get for messin' with a Wookie, pal!

 _ **21) I will not attack villains with house pets.**_

"Oh, come on! We can use it to eliminate the Rebels." The Grand Inquisitor whined to Lord Vader. While the Rebels were going crazy with their Karaoke party, the Imperials were gathered at Kowls. The Seventh Sister had chocolate on her face, Palpatine was still drunk, and in Vader's hands was the great and powerful Authoress Wand.

"I say we turn them all into chocolate." The Seventh Sister slurred.

"NO! We can make them do the chicken dance forever!" Caedus shouted.

"Why the chicken dance?" Asked Kylo.

"So I can film Jaina and Anakin, and then post it on YouTube."

"I think one video of a Skywalker doing a ridiculous dance is enough for one day." Vader objected, remembering his son's little Gershwin jig.

"Yeah, that video's already got, like, seven million views!" Palpatine hiccupped. Then he passed out.

"Whatever we do with it, we can't let Joanfenny know we have it." Vader stated.

"Attack, my Guinee pig army!" a young voice shouted. Suddenly a wave of furry rodents overpowered the villains. The only one who escaped was Kylo (of all people) and he escaped with the wand.

Uh-oh…

Meanwhile, on the other side of the store, Sabine Wren crackled madly.

Geez, what's with her and house pets?

 _ **Meanwhile, at Joanfenny's house…**_

Joan was having a very difficult time getting Orio to talk. After the whole banana incident, Orio found his stash of Catnip (that Joan had hidden away) and now he was rambling on about crocodiles or something.

"Orio, be strait with me, how did you get that banana?" Joan growled.

"Crocodiles aren't strait, they're fluffy…" Was the reply.

"If I had my wand right now, I would make Orio sober." Joan mumbled to herself. "I just hope Kylo Ren doesn't have it or something."

 _ **Meanwhile, back at the mall…**_

 _ **+Bonus**_

With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately Kylo Ren wasn't a Marvel character, so he had never heard of that quote.

Now that Kylo had the wand, he could do whatever he wanted with it. He could eliminate the Rebels, he could buy a cat, he could even…

Kylo's thought journeyed back to Rey. How easy it would be to just wave the wand around and BOOM, Reylo will be a thing. The Dark Knight smiled maliciously.

 **Rey: Hey guys, while is Kylo giving me a funny look?**

 **Luke: I donno. Maybe he's thinking of singing cheeseballs.**

 **Leia: that's how his face normally looks.**

 **Rey: A little crazed?**

 **Leia: Yup.**

 **Orio: Flowers are astronauts…**

 **Rey: Seriously, Kylo's freaking me out.**

 **Finn: Don't worry, Rey, I'll protect you! (Runs off to challenge Kylo.)**

 **Luke: Should someone stop him?**

 **Joanfenny, with popcorn: Nah, this outa get interesting.**

 **Authoress' note: Anywho, this will probably be my last chapter for a while. I know, I hate it when fanfic writers stop their stories, so I understand your pain. I promise that I will get back to it ASAP. I originally wrote this story as a way to pass the time while I work on** _ **A Writer's Mind**_ **, but I've just been having too much fun with this. Thank you so much for reviewing, favoriting, and following.**

 **Luke, waving his hand: And you will continue to favorite, follow, review, and subscribe to this story.**

 **Everyone else:** _ **THAT'S YOUTUBE!**_


End file.
